Khoå ñau baét ñaàu töø moät chuyeán haønh trình 17 naêm tröôùc ñaây. Moät ngaøy cuûa thaùng 05, con thuyeàn nhoû daøi 20 feet vaø 32 ngöôøi tînaïn khaùc bò haûi taëc Thaùi Lan taán coâng trong vònh Thaùi Lan. Nhöõng gì xaõy ra sau ñoù vöôït qua taát caû nhöõng gì man rôï vaø taøn baïo nhaát maø ngöôøi ta coù theå hình dung ra ñöôïc. Maëc duø ñaõ ñoå daàu maùy vaø nöôùc maém leân ngöôøi ñeå xua ñuoåi luõ haûi taëc, Hueá vaø caùc phuï nöõ treân thuyeàn vaãn bò chuùng haõm hieáp. Hoài töôûng laïi söï vieäc xaõy ra luùc ñoù. Hueá cho bieát trong luùc coâ bò baïo haønh, haõm hieáp, khoaûng 10 teân haûi taëc khaùc nhaûy muùa, reo hoø chung quanh. Chuùng thay phieân ñaùnh ñaäp vaø haõm hieáp coâ. Nhöõng veát caén, ñaùnh ñaäp chuùng ñeå laïi treân ngöôøi coâ taøn baïo ñeán ñoä coâ phaûi traûi qua moät cuoäc giaûi phaåu ñeå chænh laïi ngöïc.

Treân thuyeàn cuûa Hueá coù moät em gaùi 16 tuoåi. Em cuõng bò chuùng hieáp. Sôï haõi vaø khoâng chòu noåi söï cuoàng baïo, em baét ñaàu ra maùu. Vaø cöù theá em maát maùu daàn cho ñeán khi cheát. Söï man rôï khoâng döøng ôû ñoù. Sau khi em cheát, luõ haûi taëc che nöõa phaàn thaân theå phía treân cuûa em vaø tieáp tuïc haõm hieáp xaùc cheát cuûa em. Boá em, khoâng chòu noåi söï kinh hoaøng ñoù ñaõ trôû neân ñieân loaïn. Caùc ngöôøi ñaøn oâng treân thuyeàn ñaõ baát löïc nhìn vôï vaø con gaùi mình bò haõm hieáp. Moät soá coá gaéng can thieäp, ñaõ bò haûi taëc gieát cheát, xaùc bò chuùng quaêng xuoáng bieån. Cuøng thuyeàn vôùi Hueá, hai em beù trai ñaõ chöùng kieán, trong noåi lo sôï vaø kinh hoaøng, caûnh meï caùc em bò haõm hieáp nhieàu laàn.

Sau khi caøn queùt con thuyeàn nhoû beù, cöôùp boùc vaø haõm hieáp xaùc thieáu nöõ, luõ haûi taëc boû ñi vaø mang theo 4 thieáu nöõ trong ñoù coù caû Hueá. Lôïi duïng luùc chuùng thaùo daây thuyeàn, Hueá laãn troán vaø thoaùt.

Hueá cho bieát coâ coá gaéng quyeân ñi nhöõng daèn vaët, noåi kinh hoaøng cuûa chuyeán ñi ñoù, nhöng nhöõng hình aûnh ñau thöông lieân luïc hieän ra maõi trong oùc cuûa coâ thoâi. Hueá caûm thaáy traøn ñaày toäi loåi vì ñaõ khoâng cöùu thoaùt ñöôïc ba ngöôøi baïn gaùi cuûa mình. Moåi laàn gia ñình hoï töø Vieät Nam vieát thö thaêm hoûi, Hueá ñaõ phaûi noùi doái laø hoï ñang ôû ñaâu ñoù taïi Myõ, vaø coâ ñaõ maát lieân laïc vôùi hoï, nhöng coâ khoâng daùm noùi laø ñaõ maát maõi maõi.

Moät chieán taøu may maén ñeán ñöôïc beán bôø töï do an toaøn

Naêm nay Hueá ñaõ 38 tuoåi, coâ laäp gia ñình vôùi moät ngöôøi ñaøn oâng lôùn hôn coâ 5 tuoåi, nhöng ñôøi soáng haïnh phuùc gia ñình khoâng bao giôø ñöôïc troïn veïn. Coâ khoâng bao giôø coù ñöôïc ñôøi soáng sinh lyù bình thöôøng. Boán naêm tröôùc coâ ñaõ duøng thuoác nguû ñeå töï töû, nhöng ñöôïc cöùu thoaùt. Hueá cho bieát coâ khoâng coøn laø chính mình nöõa. Coâ khoâng coøn tha thieát gì ôû cuoäc soáng, ngoaïi tröø noå löïc giuùp ñôõ nhöõng phuï nöõ khaùc coù cuøng caûnh ngoä nhö coâ, vaø coù leõ coøn bi thöông hôn coâ nöõa. Ñoù laø tröôøng hôïp cuûa moät em gaùi môùi 15 tuoåi, ñi cuøng thuyeàn vôùi Hueá. Em ñaõ chöùng kieán caûnh hai ngöôøi anh cuûa mình bò gieát cheát vì muoán baûo veä em. Em bò haûi taëc hieáp vaø coù thai.

The screams echo back to an evening in May eight years ago, when Thai pirates raped her with a savagery uncommon even on the Gulf of Thailand. That night turned Hue's life from a joy into a burden.

"I get very depressed," she said. "It makes you feel so ashamed. You feel you want to disappear."

Hue is not the only Vietnamese woman who feels that her life was irreparably damaged while crossing the gulf. There are an estimated 70,000 Vietnamese in Santa Clara County, and while no data exist on how many fled by boat or how many were attacked, all available statistics suggest that several thousands may fall into that category.

What the children feel is often a mystery. Their solemn faces often are the only clue to thoughts and feelings sealed off inside and rarely, if ever, expressed. Many are like the two sons of a friend of Hue who - at ages 10 and 11 - watched their mother being gang raped seven years ago.

"They never smile," she said.

That Hue can smile, albeit with difficulty, is a tribute to the strength that made her one of the first women to captain a refugee boat. Her boat was 20 feet long and crowed with 33 refugees. The first two days of their voyage were uneventful, but at dusk on the third day, a large fishing boat appeared like a sinister shadow on the horizon and then bore down on them without a flag or lights. As they turned to avoid the boat, Hue ordered the women to smear their faces with engine oil and fish sauce to diminish their appeal. The ploy proved futile. The fishing boat easily caught up with them, and the first thing its crew did was demand that the women bathe. After bathing, the women were fed. After eating, they were searched. After being robbed, they were raped. Most of the crew members were dark skinned and curly haired. One who spoke English told Hue they were Cambodian, but she says that she did not believe him, that she thinks they were Thai. Their boat was distinctively Thai, and most of the pirates wore sarongs and headbands but no shirts, a common uniform for Thai fishermen.

Hue shudders with disgust as she recalls the first man who raped her as 10 others clapped and cheered in a circle around them. His head was shaved, and the knife he held to her throat slashed her chin when she turned her head and clawed at his face. In retaliation, he and several other pirates clawed and bit her body with such force that she recently underwent surgery tor reconstruct her mutilated breasts. The pirates then turned on a petite 16-year-old virgin and began to rape her as her father looked on. Unable to accommodate their brutality, the girl began to hemorrhage. As she slowly bled to death, they continued to ape her. After she died, they covered the upper half of their body with a sheet and raped her some more.

By the time the pirates were finished with the girl, her father's eyes had seen more horror than his mind could handle. He had gone insane.

Temporarily sated, the pirates decided to keep four women, including Hue, and let the other refugees continue their voyage. Only by leaping onto the refugee boat as a pirate cut the rope that bound it to the fishing boat did hue manage to save herself. But what she saved, she said was only part of what she had been.

" I used to be such a happy person," she said. "I used to laugh and like to be with friends. Now I am quiet and prefer to be alone. Friends ask me to go out with them, but I don't feel like it. I go to weddings sometimes, but I only stay an hour or so and then leave. Some people say to forget about it, but you can't forget about it very easy."

Added to the humiliation of her own abuse, Hue said, is guilt over the disappearances of the other three women, all of whom were her friends and all of whom she had coaxed into coming along.

"I think about them all the time," she said. "I still don't know where they are. Sometimes their families write to me and ask where they are, and I say they are somewhere in America but I don't know where. I have to lie because I am afraid to tell them the truth."

Hue married an older man five years ago, but says the marriage has never been consummated because the attack left her with an aversion to sex that she cannot overcome. She said she tried to commit suicide four years ago but was found before the overdose of sleeping pills took full effect. She no longer feels like killing herself, Hue said, but she feels she has little to live for except helping other women who suffered similar ordeals. "Some girls were much younger than me, and some had a harder time," she said. "One girl watched her two brothers get killed when they tried to stop the pirates from raping her. Later, she had a pirate's baby. She was 15.

"I talk with them. They know I understand how they feel. May be it helps a little."